From Worthless to Worthy
“Walking around fearful, what if someone finds out the truth. That I am shattered, pieced together by the love of you. Not worthy of your attention. I’m so guilty and ashamed. Please don’t use me, no you can’t use me”- Casey J (Song-Journal)
If I had to describe myself through lyrics, this song would be it! You see, just like Cinderella, I had a dream of marrying a prince and living happily ever after. And although I didn’t lose my father in a storm or in battle (whichever version you’d like to go with) I felt like I lost my Father (God) through my own storm. While in college, I had ended up pregnant and getting an abortion. A choice, I thought I’d never make. And a hard one at that! For years after, I had put it in the back of my mind to try and forget about it. For years, I ran away from God trying to make up for that decision through perfect actions, trying to look as if I had it all together, unstained and not shattered, but the reality is that I was both! I didn’t think God could ever use me. I thought that I wasn’t deserving of the man God had in store for me or the children I once desired. Through those years of running, I had gone through depression, anger, loneliness, guilt and shame.
My mom always said, “There is nothing like an experience that will bring you to Christ on your own.” I will always remember the day I got tired of my dwelling in my brokenness and ended up at the altar at church for prayer. I remember surrendering and repenting for my decision to end life untouched and asking God to remove every soul-tie attached to that relationship that was not in his will for me. I so desperately wanted to be free! My longing to be unbound by shame and guilt and the life that tethered me to it, I fell to the floor of the alter, crying my eyes out releasing everything I once held in. I had felt God wrap his arms around me. Comfort had grabbed hold of me and it was just me and God on the floor alone. In this moment of comfort, I felt this release and relief, it was as if I got lighter and I knew that I had been set free. I had felt his presence for the first time and it was where he turned my worthless into worthy. Worthy enough to leave worthless behind and worthy enough to get up and move along side him. God had forgiven me, freed me, welcomed me back to his loving arms, grace and mercy. And although it has never been the same, I knew then that the work had only just begun.
Although these things have taken place, I am happy to write that I have made it to the bridge of the song where she says: “But then came your word. Healing, affirming word, write it on my heart, write it on my mind so I’ll never forget it your word!”
God’s promises to me even through what I felt was unforgivable is that: My womb is blessed and that my husband has already been made for me. Ha! *Inserts the milly rock* because the devil wanted to have my hope, for me to write out a part of my future that is directly attached to his purpose for my life but God’s word through Jeremiah 29:11-13 remains alive no matter the detour.
Remember Cinderella: You are never worthless and your Father (God) is still there ready to wash you up and make you new. You are not your decisions; you are who He says you are. Trust me, I know because through it all, he calls me His “Special One.” (God truly makes me laugh)
Ask God: Who does He call you?